It’s tough to put to words everything I’m feeling and doing in my life right now. I struggle with where I draw the line on what to share and what to keep tucked away in my journal. Being in the public eye makes you vulnerable and when you have a big heart it’s sometimes hard to protect it completely. I’ve chosen the side of being slightly more open, but it will take baby steps. If I could only write one thing right now, it would be expressing how grateful I am for everything my life has brought to me, good and bad. I’m lucky to see some of the reasons why my path has gone this route. Maybe one day I’ll be able to see all the reasons for why it hasn’t been so easy. Regardless, this path has made me strong and forced me to remain positive no matter comes my way. Because in the big picture, all will be right if you perceive it that way.
The reason I felt the need to begin this way is to try and paint how grateful and blessed I feel right now. A few nights ago I couldn’t hold back happy tears telling Keith that all my dreams are coming true and that I truly am the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. If you know me, you’ll know I’ve gone through hell and back more than once. But, I’m a fighter and my mother taught me to NEVER give up. I can see now why things had to be the way they were. Why suffering and loss teaches you to praise the beautiful gifts the universe brings later. That traumatic events can often be a blessing for you to help others who will go through the same experiences. Most importantly, that in the end love and light will get you through the darkest times.
Right now I’ve been in Asia for a little more than 3 weeks. Originally I was planning on going back to spend Christmas in the States and New Years with my lil sis, Erinn. Given how well things keep happening over here, it only makes sense to extend my stay. I have the best of both worlds. Modeling in Hong Kong and poker in Macau. It strangely resembles my Los Angeles and Vegas life, but with TV hosting replaced with modeling once again. It’s been a few years since I’ve been in Asia and it feels like everything is meant to be. That lost feeling I’ve been having the past 8 months, with online poker gone, has finally subsided. From planning the wedding, working on a few projects, playing live poker and modeling full time…everything feels complete. Top it off with traveling and being the ultimate tourist (I’ve taken over 600 photos!) I’m overwhelmed with joy.
Giving up my beautiful job with St. John as their fit model / showroom model and going full time into poker was something I’ve struggled with over the years. I never really knew if I was doing the right thing. Luckily I quickly found my way into hosting for the WSOP and multiple poker shows. So, I somewhat still maintained my relationship in front of the camera while continuing to play poker. But, modeling became something of a side job here and there and wasn’t my main priority. I can still hear my agent asking me if this is really what I want to do with my life. Letting go of a full time ‘in house model’ position for a company like St John is a big deal. At the time, it felt right.
Looking back now that decision was meant to be. I’ve met my soul mate, made some amazing friends, traveled and hosted TV shows all around the world and lived my life according to my terms. Regardless what happened earlier this year with the US ban on online poker, it has been a great ride…that I’m not finished with. Although I must say it feels amazing to get back into modeling full time. Modeling since I was 10 years old, I still feel like I have some major milestones I wanted to accomplish. Now I’m 100% certain that little blonde girl in Texas with BIG dreams will reach her goals.
2012 promises to be filled with new beginnings in my personal life as well as my career. I can’t wait to share them all with you. In the next few days i’ll be posting a few pages from my journal along with some fun pics. I hope you’ll enjoy.
Wishing you all the happiest of holidays and a blessed New Year!